The other day I was in JCPenny trying on clothes (they carry the Joe Fresh brand from Canada, one of my favorite brands to shop and the only cause for Canadian clothes shopping withdrawal while living in the US).I was feeling not my best - I'm on a bulk right now meaning that I am actively eating a few hundred extra calories a day to fuel muscle growth. While my bulk is a lean bulk, as opposed to people who go hard on bulking and put on a good deal of extra fat along with muscle, it still leaves me feeling puffy and not totally like myself. Looking in a change room mirror is pretty much the last thing you want/need to do when you're already feeling kinda tubby but damn it, I'd just discovered Joe Fresh less than 5 minutes from my house and I was going to try on their many, many clearance items even if it killed me!
Earlier, a couple ladies had been shopping near me and by coincidence we ended up next to each other in the change rooms. While I stood in front of the mirror lamenting that the size 4 jeans were giving me slight muffin top, I heard the lady next to me yell "yes yes yes!!" - to which her friend responded "what???" The first girl answered back with obvious excitement "I just zipped up the size 17 jeans!!" You could tell she had been working to lose some weight and was thrilled to see the progress. And I stood there feeling ridiculous about worrying that size 4 was a bit tight on the day. This isn't about sizes - it's not about me feeling better because someone else had to buy a bigger size than me (and was happy about it). And it definitely isn't about comparing yourself to other people. This is about the reality that I used to wear a size 14 jean. I was a lot bigger than I am now. And frankly, sometimes I need perspective. I need that kick to the head that says YOU ARE BEING TOO MEAN TO YOURSELF!I used to wear a size 14. I used to get red face all the time from carrying my weight around. I used to get winded going up stairs. I used to be able to run at 4.0 on the treadmill and nothing higher (a speed that is a comfortable walk for me now). I used to say no to things I wanted to do but was afraid I'd look stupid doing because I was overweight. I used to feel inferior to other women in better shape than me. I used to binge and starve to try to get skinny (not healthy, not fit, skinny). I used to wonder if people talked about me being fat. I used to fear wearing a bathing suit in front of people. I used to think I couldn't change.
But I did. I got healthier. I got fitter. And as a by product, I got skinnier. But insecurities run deep and frankly some times I just need perspective! So to that girl one change room over, for one, I saw you outside the change room and you look great. And two, congrats on getting into those jeans you thought you couldn't. And three, thank you for bitch-slapping some sense and perspective into my thick head. I needed that.
Do you have trouble seeing your true size?
Do you suffer from fears about your looks/size/weight?
As your mother I say...stop beating yourself up! As another who has had the same feelings a different times I say I hear you! Back to the mother role - you are strong and healthy, smart and funny...in short fabulous. As a fellow shopper I say check out Joe's fall line. Some really nice stuff.
ReplyDeleteFirst things first, yep...I'm liking what Joe has this year! I got some of their jeans - just the regular ones, dark blue and they fit so well (ok minus the muffin top but I only have 3 more weeks bulking and a lot more than 3 weeks of too hot for jeans weather!). The colored jeans they had weren't great right now - all cropped - not a good look for me!
DeleteBut seriously, I know I can be so hard on myself - I mean we all can but how I can motivate others to love their bodise enough to eat well and exercise for health, not just looks, if I am not treating myself that way? I need to get back to stopping myself whenever negativity comes out of my mouth - when I did that a few years back and even forced myself to say something positive whenever I wanted to be negative, I felt so much better!
I bought the black on black polka dot jeans! Actually they are more like legging in a way. Jean style! I have to put tem at home to see if I still like them tho! Yes positivity is back
DeleteI loved those ones too! Need to go back and try them on.
DeleteI agree with your Mom...I may have to bitch-slap you!
ReplyDeleteI definitely need it sometimes! Perspective can be tough!
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